high court of consumption
betty cocker cj
background
1. in 2020, 28,000 unfortunate souls caught the vid-19.
2. back in january 2020, the judge caught a ripe and juicy puerto rican off the coast of the mornington peninsula. after a few bottles of georgian wine, their bodies intertwined along the sands of shire hall beach.
3. cut to 2021, and for the anniversary of the judge x puerto rico, the longaniza took the judge to 10xt for a night of debauchery and glistening excitement. needless to say, expectations were meteoric.
judgement
4. the judge has been around the traps. #trapcard. and that's not to say she doesn't have a few of her own; like the one between her leggggs. at least with her traps, you know what you gon' get. this place's ultimate trap? not one sign of a tractor anywhere on the property, in sight from any vantage point, through any window, in any manner of a sculpture within the interior, except for the miniscule stamp on the leather pouches housing the menus. disappointing.
5. side note: the views are lovely, v romantic, v gorgeous, v beautiful.
6. the court honourably sights the evidence presented regarding costs of $500 for a dinner for two, includingwineflights. whilst the judge has finally paid off the mortgage on her toorak mansion, she still expects a level of quality when forking out five watermelons in exchange for putting things in her mouth. the restaurant game is a tricky business. adam sanderson, props for your efforts. it’s difficult to tell what influence you have on the restaurant when you’re not at the restaurant. you win some, you lose some. tonight, the judge x puerto rico lost more than they won. it’s the little things. maître d absence of solid morale boosting ambience? check. maître d lack of personability? check. use of french waiters to create a false sense of a european restaurant? check. failure by chef to interact with guests? check. instance of pouring still water into a glass of sparkling water? check. absence of memorable standout dish? check. explanation of dishes by waiters cut off by maître d? check. sour dish presented as palate cleanser demonstrating little-to-no evidence of neutrality? check. no offer of additional bread? check. the judge is trying to be less nit-picky. her psychiatrist says it’s not healthy.
7. speaking of bread: the court must acknowledge this to be the most memorable experience of the night. but the judge didn’t take an uber black from toorak to main ridge for bread.
8. one thing's for sure, the judge enjoys her sexy waiters. she's all about those cute eyes that sit atop our era of covid masks. the judge acknowledges the evidence presented. the judge acknowledges it as subpar. diners are hereby ordered not to write anything home about it. masks are great but it’s unclear whether they have much utility when staff remove them whenever they speak with guests.
9. in these trying times, the judge has grown soft around her curvy edges. to that extent, the judge acknowledges the fair efforts of the wait staff (exclusively those in green; the judge is looking at you martin, you sexy beast) and has decided to grant an award of 3 stars, otherwise known to the court as “fair effort. please try again. red hill loves you and knows you can do better. looking forward to future efforts.” it appears much has changed at 10xt since its glory days pre-fire. it appears too much is relied upon in the realm of pre-existing goodwill and reputation. it appears much further work is required to return to the frontpage of good food let alone mfwf.
10. prospective patrons, take it as you will. the judge jests but the judge also speaks the truth.
note:
11. see zomato review by gee for further information.